Doordarshan: A Love Story | Stand-Up Comedy by Mohd Suhel

Sometimes I do things for my entertainment. For enquiries or bookings: [email protected] Shot at Standup Labs Khar Mumbai(27th April 2019) Comic calling me on stage: Christopher Baretto Special Thanks: Mayur Vemula Frog sound in subtitle suggested by: Mishkka Singh Shekhawat "I can shit on you from such a height, you'll think God himself took a crap on you."- Officer Frank Tenpenny Social Media Links: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/suhelbaz/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/suhelbaz Twitter: https://twitter.com/suhelbaz Haiku Lyrics: Chris: Alright, start clapping, START CLAPPING, for your main act of the night, Mr. Mohd SUHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL. So, thanks for coming. Aaa, the name of the show is Live Taping for Doordarshan. Only reason I chose this name is because you’ll laugh at it. *Sound of train honking* Nothing will work. Did you hear the train honk? Audience: Hmm. Suhel: Yea, you’ll hear that throughout the show. That’s not under my control. In fact, the delayed start of the show also wasn’t under my control. I was here at 9pm. I thought if the audience is early, I’ll finish early and go home. The audience was early but the previous show was still going on. And I was like (to the organizer), “Can I perform in this one too?” and he was like “Sorry but, this is good show, you idiot.” So, the name of the show is called “Doordarshan” because my special will only be aired on Doordarshan (India’s Nationwide, free to air channel). Every other comic puts out specials on Netflix or Amazon, I know my capability. It’s not that I didn’t try to cut a deal with them. I recorded my special, pitched it to Netflix – Started right from the top. They didn’t reply for 3 months. Then I pitched it to Amazon. Wait, Netflix replied, sorry. See what I did, I changed the joke before coming here. Because that didn’t work yesterday, still doesn’t, even today. So, Netflix replied “Bro, we’ll put Golmaal 97, but not this.” If I’d had done this earlier you’d have exploded with laughter. Then, I pitched my special to Amazon. They saw my special and cursed at me. But I didn’t understand if that’s a yes or a no. I was sitting there in hope thinking “Maybe they’re behaving like my friends, cursing at me jovially to pull my leg.” So, that didn’t work out. Then I went on YouTube. You don’t need to pitch to YouTube, anyone can directly upload a video. So I did that. Next day, they themselves removed my video. I was like “WTF!” But, YouTube didn’t remove, people reported it to be removed. They were like “What the hell is this, please remove my view count from total views of this video.” Then finally I pitched to Doordarshan. They said “Bro, just give us Rs. 200, we’ll air your special.” So now, it’ll air on Doordarshan. I mean, not really! Don’t go home and look for it on Doordarshan. The only reason why I’ve kept this name for the show is to do this joke. That’s how much of a dick I am. And I never used to explain, that this won’t be aired on Doordarshan, I just used to do my jokes and go away. So when I did my first show, a guy messaged me 3 weeks later asking “Bro, I’ve been seeing Doordarshan since 3 weeks, your special hasn’t aired yet.” I replied “Bro, don’t ever come again to see me live. It’s good for both of us. Else it’s trouble for both.” So, I’ll tell you the real reason to keep this name. An organizer called me up. He said “You wanna do a show?” Noone had ever offered me an opportunity to do a show before this. So I was really excited so I said yes. But the problem was, no one had told him yes before, so he was excited too. Since both of us were excited we both hung up. I was like “It’s done. The show is happening.” Then he realized that he didn’t ask for the name of the show. Then he called back saying “What the name of this show?” I replied “What show. I don’t even have enough material for a show. What will I do on the stage?” Then I said “Wait, I have an idea.” But before I could finish, he hung up on me. Don’t know why he keeps hanging up on me. I guess he feels the conversation is over. So, I told him “Since you’re an organizer and there are shows happening everyday here and you have access to ticketing websites, you can post any show you want to.” He said “Yes, I can post any show” I said “We’ll post such show, that no one will buy a ticket for it. We’ll prank the online website.” Then there was silence for 3 seconds. Because he thought the sentence hasn’t ended. No one finishes a sentence like that. It’s such a stupid idea. But I had finished talking. That’s exactly what I wanted to say. Then after 3 seconds of silence he figured out that I had nothing more to add. So he repeated what I said just to confirm if what he heard was correct. That we’ll post such show, that no one will buy a ticket for it so that we can prank the ticketing websites. I said “Yes.” *Rest of the translation in link below* Full Translation: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Xt7RwUw0M7_LbZeTYH9jwqAXB0Q4KBSx/view?usp=sharing